There have been a lot of instances where I couldn’t seem to recognize myself – where I feel like there’s a sudden snap in which I realize that there's a terrifying sense of unfamiliarity from myself. In times like this, I can’t help but feel lost. Nowhere near in touch with myself. Strange. Scattered. But I have found a lot of comfort in a statement from Baggini's TED talk entitled "Is There A Real You?".
“We are not something we have to search or look for, as a mystery, or maybe never even find” - Baggini, 2012.
What makes us who we are is both something that we discover and create – a continuous and fluid process that we take.
I have told myself that I need to learn how to cope, for I never wanted to be stuck in this emotional loop my entire life. And although it might seem overrated, or the most basic tip we see all over the internet – after almost a year of consistently practicing this – now, I am swearing by the art of journaling.
Yes. Keeping a journal really helped me manage my anxiety and emotions and keep track of what I had felt during the day, or even a certain moment. As someone who has had this toxic habit of keeping myself from feeling certain emotions – those that I couldn’t admit to myself, and only open up (a.k.a., explode) when it gets built up – journaling helps me make my thoughts, feelings, and realizations concrete and not just shoved aside. And when the moment comes where I feel like I couldn’t recognize myself, I get to go back, read my entries again, which surprisingly helps me recognize myself again – moreover, recognize my growth.
In this process, I have discovered and learned more about myself. The writing habit that I have developed did not only help me understand myself but also others. I have discovered that I tend to drown deep into other people’s behaviors towards me, and unconsciously, let them hold me back. I became tired – mostly, resentful – of letting them keep me from being happy and pursuing what I believe is best for me. And I have recognized how I perceive these kinds of situations from the way I talk about how I felt in most of my journal entries.
I know that I am nowhere near being the kindest and most understanding person, and that being angry is normal, but holding grudges is not healthy. As I had said, I don’t want to be stuck in any kind of a negative loop. So, instead, I chose to understand. And Bandura’s (1986) Theory of Triadic Reciprocal Causation actually helped me more than I had expected. This theory explains how people develop and acquire certain behaviors because of other external factors – that there are various reasons as to why people think, act, and behave a certain way. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t intend to validate their toxic behaviors. At times, simply understanding and accepting that something else has caused them to act the way they do, releases the burden and heaviness off of your chest. It helped me recognize and understand that their choice of action is not something that I am in control of, just as they are not with mine. Accepting that truth gave me the ability to choose my next step, which in turn gave me the capacity to grow instead of letting them hold me back.
I know that I still have a lot to learn and to discover within myself. There are still a lot of unhealthy coping mechanisms and destructive behaviors I would like to disassociate myself from. But these little habits and mindsets I have developed and learned are the ones I consider as “small wins”.
The romanticization of the quarantine and lockdown in this current pandemic proves an utter disregard to the people who are still suffering at the moment. In which, only those who are privileged enough are able to use this period of isolation as time for solitude. In no such way am I idealizing our situation, but I would like to give everyone who is continuously trying and surviving – including myself – a pat on the back for choosing to go on and keep ourselves from self-destructing in these moments of isolation.
Maybe you are already tired of hearing this, but I’ll say it anyway...
Kapit lang ha? ♡
References
Baggini, J. (2012). “Is there a real you?” Ted.com; TED Talks. https://www.ted.com/talks/julian_baggini_is_there_a_real_you/transcriptlanguage=en#:~:text=There%20is%20no%20real%20you,an%20illusion%2C%20it’s%20a%20fiction.
Bandura, A. (1994). Self-efficacy. In V. S. Ramachaudran (Ed.), Encyclopedia of human behavior (Vol. 4, pp. 71-81). New York: Academic Press. (Reprinted in H. Friedman [Ed.], Encyclopedia of mental health. San Diego: Academic Press, 1998).
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